This poem came from a small, ordinary moment, a cut on my finger. A cut that turned into something quietly reflective. I wasn’t seeking pain, but when it came, I chose to stay with it instead of pulling away. It felt like a guilt-free way of feeling something physical that mirrored what I was carrying mentally.
A knick on my skin A papercut or something akin The water made me aware Pain rose as it washed the tear
I did not shutter away I stayed, let the pain sway I could have moved, snap of a finger I wanted the pain to linger
No guilt, no shame The pain matched my sane A knick suddenly turned into much more It illumined my sanity as the water poured
I watched the ache and let it stay, A quiet proof I could still feel that way Not to suffer, not to mend– Just to meet myself again
The line “pain rose as it washed the tear” plays on layered meanings. The “tear” as both a rip in skin and a tear that falls. The word “rose” hints at both a flower and the act of rising, showing how pain can bloom and sting at once.
When I wrote “the pain matched my sane,” I wanted to emphasize “my” because there’s nothing conventionally sane about finding peace in pain, but in that moment, it was mine. The poem isn’t about seeking harm, but about observing it, the strange, quiet understanding that sometimes, pain feels like proof of being alive and aware.
I have a great love for music, I think I listen to at least one song every single day. I love connecting with others over music, I love analyzing music, lately I have been dabbling in songwriting. I have recently been quite frequently thinking of an assignment I did in High School, 7 years ago. It was an English assignment, I remember we were covering the topic and concept of poetry. We were assigned to break down the meaning of a song of our choice. Describe why we enjoy the song, it’s significance, our interpretation. 7 years have passed and I’ve been thinking, I want to do that again, so here I am.
The song I have chosen to do is titled “Keep The Rain” by Searows. Specifically written by Alec Duckart(what a last name).
Recently I have been in a really intense “funk” for lack of a better term. I wouldn’t consider it depressive, but it’s definitely not a pleasant, enjoyable, or a happy array of emotions. My previous post is all about how we are all human, the only validation that is “valid” is our own. Yet, here I am struggling to not allow others words, opinions, actions get to me; make me question my worth. I would almost go as far to say, hate myself. When I am unsure of the exact pinpoint of these feelings, it is unimaginably overwhelming for me to understand. It feels as if I know how I feel, these feelings are real, but I can’t express it to myself, let alone someone else. Then you have the sweet, beautiful creation of music. You come across a song that just might explain how you feel when you, yourself do not understand.
The opening line of Keep The Rain is ” I don’t know what steps to take, I do the easy ones until it helps”. Then the following lyric “Little acts of conversation, I don’t think I really like myself”. Like HELLO! Yes. It immediately sets this lost, confused, self-doubt, desperate kind of tone. The battle is emphasized with that opening line, the “what should I do?”, “How do I get better?” questions we internally ask ourselves when we struggle. Now with the following line I believe it highlights the first step that I know me, and many others may take; reach out to a friend/loved one. In hope for some direction, reassurances, advice, and even validation. The thing about reaching out to others is that, in moments of self-doubt, I fear it’s a 50/50 shot that an outside individual will be able to bring back that self confidence to 100%. The question of whether you truly want to tell people how you feel, in hopes for some clarity, or if it’s not necessary and better to remain silent. Say you reach out, your discomfort is not automatically soothed like your brain is begging for, now it’s really a prominent idea, “I don’t think I really like myself”. Now we don’t reach out to anyone, because that did not help, you’re possibly regretting saying anything in the first place, deciding it’s best to now just struggle in silence.
The song proceeds by asking a question that slapped me in the face, “Am I comfortable in silence? Or is it eating me alive?”. I feel this line re-words the question that is asked in certain situations “is it best to speak up? Or remain silent?”, to me it really highlights the idea that we are our own worst enemy at times. When we decide that we need to draw back, take some time for ourselves, thoughts start to get really loud. That very idea is also portrayed by the following lyric “Nothing’s ever really quiet, When you need distraction to survive”. Going back to the question “Am I comfortable in silence” but now we are being told “Nothing’s ever really quiet”, to me, it’s comforting, I’m comforted to know that others struggle with the concept, and “figuring things out on your own”. I’m comforted to know that others thoughts may just consume them as well(twinsies!). Yearning for silence, peace, but needing to distract your mind when that silence starts to get too loud. When the silence makes way for the noise of our mind, thoughts and feelings. Hence, needing distractions. I’ve personally been choosing some not-so-healthy distractions recently. Alcohol and fleeting moments of personal interaction. This ties into another statement made in this oh so beautiful song, “Are you really having fun or Do you like becoming what you hate?”. I feel like this ties into those unhealthy distractions that many choose to try and cope with their own mind. When you dissect what brought you to even needing a night of “fun”, most of the time it’s the stress and struggles of life. For me personally, I needed to sit back and think about who I am as a person, who I want to be, how I want my presence to look in others’ lives. The answer is never blackout in random bars, sick after making out with a stranger. Do you like becoming what you hate?
The main chorus of the song talks about “it”, it being that version of yourself that is in that cycle of trying to grow, be better, but struggling to do so. Leading to create this altered reality, one where the true reality is masked behind this idea of “just having fun”, but once those curtains come down, the lights go out, reality hits like a bitch. “It’s part of me, Wouldn’t you believe it’s nothing? It’s all you need, When you keep the rain from coming”. Keeping the rain from coming, not allowing yourself to presently, consciously process those hard to navigate, confusing, overwhelming feelings. They are so consuming at times. Speaking from experience, the longer you keep the rain from coming, the more intense that storm is going to hit, you’re at risk of drowning. “It” hit me all at once when I was finally starting to take a moment, those feelings of guilt, shame, self-hatred are really nasty.
The closing verse of the song states “I’m good at letting you go, I’m good at letting it get to me. I’m good at letting you go, No, you were never the enemy”. It sets this back and forth, tug-of-war scene. The repetition of the sentence “I’m good at letting you go” highlights that struggles are not just moved on from easy peasy. We try and we fail, but we try again until we realize the only person we can count on is ourselves. We have to love ourselves, an idea that has been so verbally spoken, we brush it off. “Yeah, yeah love yourself”. The way we allow ourselves to be our biggest enemy, our worst critic, it’s quite insane considering only we know the extent of everything we’ve been through. We would never be cruel to the people we love most, the way we’re cruel to ourselves. We would never speak to our adorn pets, they way we speak to ourselves. It is so crucial to be on your side, be your friend in times of need. We linger in these mindsets of guilt and shame. We try to let go, and once we progress, we realize we were never the enemy. “I’m good at letting you go, I’m good at letting it get to me. I’m good at letting you go, No, you were never the enemy”.
The conversation displayed, is the sole reasoning for my presence here. I felt courageous and shared a journal entry with one of my closest friends, and that was his response. Starting a website/blog was not an idea of my own, therefore I feel it is only right to dedicate my first post to the whole reason why I am here(Shout out to you Kobe, immensely grateful for you!). Below is that shared journal entry.
A person, personing.
I have the ability to see people whether it’s a stranger, my best friend, a homeless person, a wealthy celebrity/influencers. They’re all just people. Just like me.
Trying to get at the idea that everyone has potential regardless of their appearance or possessions. I’ll never be able to see me how others see me, good or bad. Just like how some of the most collectively agreed upon attractive people may not see themselves like the masses of others do.
People will always have insecurities, self-doubt, heck, I know I do. Regardless of whether or not people have millions telling them otherwise. People are just people; so why even yearn for validation from others? Don’t know if it’ll ever be enough to stop a person from being a person.. no, I DO know.
I’m declaring this: I only ever “need” validation from me. No one else. Not one person, not thousands, because I, me, agree.
My Public Journal 